Chapter 33 - Jesus Wept
I can’t remember what else happened. None of it seems relevant. I think back about all the days I spent at work. The people I knew there. Some of them, I can’t remember anything they ever said. Not even a line. Others, I don’t even remember their names. These were people I spent days in hell with. Carousing with. Cajoling. Seething with hatred, lusting in secrecy. It’s all a wash, lost to the past like a pair of socks in the laundry. They were my friends, enemies, partners in crime; now they’ve vanished. They may never exist again. I’m not positive, but sometimes it feels like you could roll their lives into a ball. A four dimensional ball of spacetime, wrapped in leather, warped and confused, connected, useless except unto itself, tossed under the couch of the universe. A plaything; an orb of expired energy.Sometimes I can’t figure out what it is I miss. Maybe it’s just the interaction. Maybe it’s how easy it was. Feeling like I belonged. Maybe sometimes it was nonsense, but maybe that’s all that we needed at the time. Someone to share the nonsense, the absurdity. Somebody who understood when no one else did, or wanted to.
I was standing in the hallway admiring the nameplate on my office when the soda vendor ran into the back of my leg. “Oops, sorry.” I stepped inside, and paced nervously. It was Friday afternoon and most everyone had gone home. I looked out the window. A pile of dirt was enjoying the afternoon sun. The landscaper was being fired down the hall, and I had to turn off his security card and building access codes. I’d been asked to stay late to do it. They’d left the door open to the conference room. I couldn’t bear to listen. And the network center was on the other side of the conference room wall. I had to go in, but I couldn’t. I had to walk past. I couldn’t. All I could hear was one side of a very unpleasant conversation.
“No no no no! I did not steal these supplies!”
inaudible accusations
“I promise you, whatever I need, I buy! My wife works hard, we are honest people. I need this job!”
He sounded more anxious, more frantic. It was more and more uncomfortable. I hurried past and zoomed the security door shut behind me. He had had his face in his hands, three upper level “executives” leaning back in their chairs staring at him, pens in their hands, their mouths, phones and mobiles on high alert, thoughts of steak and zinfandel dancing in their heads. Dancing, dancing, always dancing. Onion blooms and cherry streamers, pink dildos and pretty screamers. Another hoodlum under the rug, another line item to bump up the bonus. Worst of all, I could have probably saved him, if I’d known then what I know now.
“I put broom away, it disappear! I do not a know where it go, or I would bam, like THAT! Bring it back!”
Something he said sent a shiver down my spine. I made a mistake. I stepped out too early. In another universe, another life, I made a different decision.
“What would you do if you could go back in time?” Shelley had a book open in front of her, supposedly studying, but she never did while I was around.
I laughed.
“Hey serious question jerk! And no lame answers, like killing Hitler or stopping 9/11 or whatever.”
“But what if I want to do that?”
“Duh it’s too obvious, the whole point of the question is to get to know you better.” I just stared. I knew she knew me better than I knew me. Maybe she should answer the question.
“Maybe you should answer the question for me.” She stared at me, no longer grinning.
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because, only you know whatever it is you need to fix.”
“I can’t answer that question.”
“Why not?”
“Because if I told you the real answer, you’ll get mad.”
“So? No I won’t!”
“If you won’t, you should.”
“Well. I won’t.”
“Well you should!”
“Well, I won’t!”
“Well. If I really did what I would want to, I’d go back to when I was a kid.”
“And?”
“And, if it all went right, I would end up as a different person.”
“And?”
“And, we probably would never have met.”
“Psh, duh, you would still be there so you could introduce us or whatever.”
“I guess.”
“You guess!?”
“It doesn’t work like that, then I wouldn’t be the same person who went back!”
“How the fuck do you know how time travel works!”
“I don’t!”
“What sort of different person do you want to be anyway?”
“I don’t know. Happier. Optimistic. Friendlier.”
“Less cynical?” Big grin.
“Ah shut up.”
“They have a name for those kinds of people.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Idiots!”
“Heh.”
“What?”
“Well, you know, I would probably end up not doing anything, even though I have like all these ideas of what I would do.”
“You’re that lazy? You would waste the opportunity to fix the world, if you went back in time?”
“Probably.” She gave me a sideways glance.
“Yeah I don’t believe you. You’re just saying that.”
“What?”
“You know what your problem is, you’re way too afraid to take risks.”
“Yeah well, you know what your problem is?”
“No, what?”
“Oh. I, I dunno.”
“Dumbass!”
“You’re bossy, that’s what. And you change your mind too much.”
“That’s a low blow there, Jonathan.”
“Hey, none of that stuff.”
“Sorry.”
“I know what I would do if I went back in time.”
“What?”
“I’d put a soda in this filing cabinet.” I closed an eye, and slowly opened it. It was empty.
“Ha! Guess you’re not going back in time anytime soon then!”
“Yeah or maybe I did but somebody stole it.”
“Or maybe you forgot cause you were eyeballing that blonde girl over there!”
“That girl is like 3 years old back then!”
“Oh sounds just like your type!”
“You know it. So what would you do if you went back in time?”
“I’d bulldoze this stupid school and put a park here. With like a lake and a forest and stuff.”
“Good. As long as it’s not a mall or a church or something.”
“What’s with you and church?”
“We had a falling out.”
“Oh is that from you sleeping until noon every Sunday?”
“No. It’s what I call people being delusional on a weekly basis. The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math and church is a tax on people who are bad at everything, and are completely incapable of helping themselves. They expect something to just fall from the heavens and fix their lives. It doesn’t work like that.” She just smiled. “What?”
“Nothing. It’s just nice to see you care about something for once. Even if you are a heathen!”
“Yeah well, find me somebody who sat around waiting for divine intervention to help them and succeeded. Then we’ll talk.”
“Fine. I will.”
“Fine.”
“Good.”
“You don’t believe in it either!”
“No, I don’t!”
“Well then, what are we arguing about?”
“I have no idea.”
In another universe, another life, I made a different decision. I stayed where I was until it was safe. I kept to myself. I helped him not get fired. I found the missing supplies. He kept his job, he fed his family. It’s all my fault he’s gone. It’s all my fault. I ran into him in the hallway.
“Ahh, Walter, they have let me go! They say, I have been stealing from company. But I never steal! That is so wrong, they accuse me of this.”
“Ye…”
“But! You are a good man, you take good care of everyone in here. We all thankful for you, your hard work. I will find new job, no problem. Many jobs out there for a man who work hard.”
“True.” It wasn’t always true, but I wanted to believe him.
“One day we will be rich men, we will throw a party together for every good person we know here! Beers all around!”
I chuckled. “Yeah, we’ll definitely do that.”
“Oh, excuse me again.”
“Yeah, sorry.”
I don’t know what happened to him. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that they’re gone. That she’s gone. It’s just not fair, damn it. But, of course, I feel like I deserved it. “This is what you get for messing with me.” “You make fun of me, let’s see how much fun this is.” “It’s April, that means it’s tax time. I’m afraid I’m going to have to take my percentage now.”
I could have saved him. Maybe I still can.
“Some people can’t be saved, John.”
Where did you come from?!
“We’ll get to that later.”
Fine rephrase, why are you here?
“Because you’re off track. You’ve lost your way.”
I never had a way. I’m just here. I just exist.
“Now that’s not true. We’ve had a plan for you for a long time.”
We? Who’s we?
“That’s not important. What is important is that you get out there.”
I don’t want to. Wait, I do. I want to save him.
“Now, you can’t. It’s not in the cards.”
FUCK THE CARDS!!
“It doesn’t work that way.”
It works however I want it. I’m the one with free will around here.
“Not this time.”
I want to save him. I have to. He deserves it.
“He doesn’t need it. He’ll be fine. He can help himself.”
Yeah, well. I can’t.
“I know. That’s why I’m here.”
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