Chapter 2 - These Links Are Private
Sorry, but this is a secret blog post you cannot read, because we had a run-in once and I dislike you actively.
“Hello, sir, would you like to try an apple tart with caffeinated sprinkles? It’s free!”
“Oh, really, this inch long apple pie is free? I hit the jackpot!”
These mall sample cronies always give me these dirty looks. I just don't understand it. They've got some kind of malfunction; probably a major one. If I didn't know better I'd say they're trying to poison me with snack treats. Wait a minute. If what my teachers said in elementary school is true, I don't know any better. And I might possibly be the antichrist. Be right back. Gotta call poison control.
“Stop being so weird!”
“You are!”
“I am not!”
“You have to be if you’re dating me.”
“Well maybe I don’t want to anymore!”
“Fine, then I can bone your sister.”
“Good, I hope you and her five kids are happy together!”
I wonder if in the Book of Life, there's like this mad face next to my name and a big "SEE ME" in red ink. I wonder if it has a copy of my permanent record. "Anti-religion. Condones health care for all people, except fetuses. IQ too high, difficult to teach. Wouldn't eat pumpkin seeds. Doesn't like watching kids threatened with a beating for not being able to count"
"Would you like to try a shot of vanilla mochachino with raspberry sweetener?"
“Would you like a punch in the face and a sugar packet?”
One time I swallowed an apple whole just to see his reaction. His reaction, for those wondering, was to choke me. And then he started rambling about New Line Cinema. I didn't really follow along as I was unconscious at the time. Something about elves, and musicals.
The other day I took my computer to the repair shop as it was acting sort of "funny", I believe is the technical term. Not "Jim Carrey" funny. More "Colin Quinn" funny.
I had set my wallpaper to a picture of myself giving a thumbs up with my name in 128 point Impact, and I threw in some rainbow stars for good measure. A few pinstripes, but they were obscured by the unicorns.
I did this so I could tell my computer apart from the others when I came back. But all they did was laugh at me. It got pretty heated and at some point the police were involved, but at least now there's no horse porn pop-ups every ten seconds. Now, I only see horse porn at 6 pm weekdays, which I believe is a much more acceptable scenario.
Speaking of bestiality, I don't watch American Idol.
“Dude, five kids?”
“I don’t even have a sister!”
“Oh. Well, is your brother hot?”
“Shut up!”
It is one of my secret goals in life to visit a banana farm. I have been dying to find out exactly how they shrink them down and get them in those candy machines at buffet restaurants. I think I'll schedule a week's vacation for later this year when they're in season. Maybe I can visit a soda bottling plant at the same time. I've always wondered how they harvest all the bottles. It's probably some kind of electric collar like they use on cows.
“Don’t punch me in the middle of the mall, or I’ll go get the security guard.”
“Yeah and what’s he gonna do?”
“I’ll tell him you’re domestic abusing me, then we’ll see how you like jail.”
“Malls don’t even have jails.”
“Yeah they do, but they call them ‘Bath and Body Works’.”
I think Thom Yorke and Les Claypool should collaborate on an electronica album. They could probably win at least two Grammy nominations, and Lady Sovereign might call it "mad dope".
I would buy an audio book of Christina Aguilera narrating Catcher in the Rye. I would pay upwards of fifteen dollars for this item. You may share this fact with whomever you choose. It is a personal choice I have decided to share with humanity.
“I want to go buy a book.”
“Books? Who even reads books anymore?”
“Smart people.”
“So, nerds.”
“Yeah that’s right, nerds.”
“What kind of book? I hope it’s not recipes. I said stop hitting me!”
“I dunno, fiction.”
“Everything is fiction, if you look hard enough. What?”
“Nothing. I just never thought of that before.”
“Ha. Hey, someday maybe you can buy one of my books in here.”
“I doubt it. Nobody wants to read that crap!”
“Alright, I may hit you now.”
“You better do it right the first time, cause you only get one!”
“I only need one!”
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